i'm not sure how can i describe my state now, felt like i went one step forward and made two steps backwards.. i felt like i came too far with a broken compas in my hand and made a aimless move. sleepless nights continue and tired days overwhelming. stressed up here and there with careless mistakes from my own academical performance. nothing really motivates me these days.. i need a break and peace in my mind..i'm going back to ipoh next week and hope i can gain back my confidence..

charity fair/affair?

prepare almost everything to bake cream puff the night before and went to joa's house to bake it but for got to buy MILK and delayed alot... must blame KP for his handphone sms addiction which made him to lose his way to my house and made us wait... never mind.. the baking was fun (the first few times) but after some times.. it went busy and serious because of the pressure came from somebody... but it went faster than i taught... made around 200++(few puff wth holes) and lots of lots of cream. was extremely exhausted. waking up in a slightly swelled up cheeks and eyes was never a good sign to for me to spend my day.

test??

i woke up in the middle of the night ater having a same dream for the past few days. dreaming about her almost everyday. why is it so hard to forget? i miss the old days but yet i have to forget because that's what she wants and wish for. i wish her to stay happy and that's all. ....studies are getting tougher n tougher.. physics and specialist math is giving no mercy to us. insanely hard, but starting to enjoy this studies(although stressfull). exam's just around the corner and i hope to achieve a better grades for this exam.

not going to be the same

days are different for me now, mixing up with a random people introduced by my long lost friend in a club is a whole new experience. it doesn't matter how and what am i going through , genda, where i stand ,who you are and where you come from, as long as you have money and something to share, they will come for you, dance with you, drink with you, have fun with you... i took it as an association. people there are friendly, but somehow.. it's a sad world.. just met this girl who tried to commit suicide by cutting her own wrist, but missed and went deeper down to her arm leaving a huge scar.. not once but manytimes. knowing her gave me a great shock. i felt sorry for her. because deep down inside me, i've thought of comitting suicide before too, but i've stopped because only cowards do those things.. but i can understand.. doing all of this is just making myself a hypocrite. not praying for sometime already, i know i should not do all thins things, it's just making me further away from God and what i'm suppose to do. i just needed a place to rest my head and now i've step inside to a world that might suit my kind... this might be the turning point of my life.

from now onwards...

i'll appologise for what i have mentioned in the previous post... i was drunk when i posted it. but i'm not going to remove or edit it.. because without it.. i could not have realise how selfish i was... and ego ..i know that i've let you down.. i know that you have shed a tears for me, but i could not adapt the situation that i am going through and was running away from reality... i finally realise that how important was you to me... frankly now i appreciate it... please don't say that you feel regret that you brought me to PD.. there was a beautiful times and ugly one for this past 7 months.. went through many things.. it wasn't a waste of time...i will like to keep and cherish the good days.. and the bad memories as my steps to be a better person. if you still feeling intimidated over me... please say so... i will not interrupt you.. but if you can forgive me as a friend... i will not ignor you and try to make a better place.. it had been a fruitfull 7months for me. thank you.

hollucination

undiscribable painness going through all parts of my body now.. starting from heart.. mind, body and soul... it had been broken into pieces and now.. powdered.. it's hard to reassemble.. i don't understand... this is too much.. each and every words spoken from your mouth suppose to be a harmony to me,... but now...all i can hear is noise and craps.. i can't take it anymore.. i can't live in a world filled with full of drama and emotions, this is just too much for me... i'm from different world? oh yeah sure, same old techtics to dump a silly ass guy... i'm fucking sick of it.. i thought it will be a sweet memory.. but now , frankly i'm regret for what i've done.. i should not have taken SAM..nor i should not have done anything or exist... if you want to laugh at me go ahead, if you wana get rid of me, do it now, if you are scard of me, what can i do? tell me? what can i do? i am who i am, brought up in this world is not my fault, so don't mantion about it anymore... none of this is your fault, it is that.. i was so fucking cheap that you have mantioned.. that caused me do this things. sounds lika a paranoid.. and it is... alcohol can't cure this, but it's indulging me so badly... now.. i don't have any distractions... and in the same time.. lost my motivations and goals... fuck.. what was i doing?... if only i have know what is coming next, this will not have happened.. i'll just go my own way and i guess that will only make you feel happier and secured... i shall not think nor talk about it anymore.. it is only creating deeper cuts... just forget about it.. pretend that nothing had happened... just leave me alone...