from now onwards...

i'll appologise for what i have mentioned in the previous post... i was drunk when i posted it. but i'm not going to remove or edit it.. because without it.. i could not have realise how selfish i was... and ego ..i know that i've let you down.. i know that you have shed a tears for me, but i could not adapt the situation that i am going through and was running away from reality... i finally realise that how important was you to me... frankly now i appreciate it... please don't say that you feel regret that you brought me to PD.. there was a beautiful times and ugly one for this past 7 months.. went through many things.. it wasn't a waste of time...i will like to keep and cherish the good days.. and the bad memories as my steps to be a better person. if you still feeling intimidated over me... please say so... i will not interrupt you.. but if you can forgive me as a friend... i will not ignor you and try to make a better place.. it had been a fruitfull 7months for me. thank you.

hollucination

undiscribable painness going through all parts of my body now.. starting from heart.. mind, body and soul... it had been broken into pieces and now.. powdered.. it's hard to reassemble.. i don't understand... this is too much.. each and every words spoken from your mouth suppose to be a harmony to me,... but now...all i can hear is noise and craps.. i can't take it anymore.. i can't live in a world filled with full of drama and emotions, this is just too much for me... i'm from different world? oh yeah sure, same old techtics to dump a silly ass guy... i'm fucking sick of it.. i thought it will be a sweet memory.. but now , frankly i'm regret for what i've done.. i should not have taken SAM..nor i should not have done anything or exist... if you want to laugh at me go ahead, if you wana get rid of me, do it now, if you are scard of me, what can i do? tell me? what can i do? i am who i am, brought up in this world is not my fault, so don't mantion about it anymore... none of this is your fault, it is that.. i was so fucking cheap that you have mantioned.. that caused me do this things. sounds lika a paranoid.. and it is... alcohol can't cure this, but it's indulging me so badly... now.. i don't have any distractions... and in the same time.. lost my motivations and goals... fuck.. what was i doing?... if only i have know what is coming next, this will not have happened.. i'll just go my own way and i guess that will only make you feel happier and secured... i shall not think nor talk about it anymore.. it is only creating deeper cuts... just forget about it.. pretend that nothing had happened... just leave me alone...

Circle

so many happenings i had gone through these days... both bad and good. the good one is that i had spend a good, memorable time with my friends, girl friend, God, family... and tried to be passionate to my religion and stuffs like that... but ..things will not go right..be there for you or i being there for them all the time... recently i have lost my hand phone's ear phone, missed some prayer session, lost contact with my old friends, almost had accident... but these are just a small metter.. what is really intimidating me is my father's health. it is getting worst day by day.. having kidney failure is not good thing.. it's a silent killer. the last thing you remember is that you're already in dialysis treatment.. it's really a hard time for my father and just to look at him in that condition everytime.. hy heart aches.. his stomach is as big as a mother with twin's and it's stretched like a baloon which is about to be burst.. his belly button is poping out which is indicating his over water intake. he can't sleep propperly as the water in his stomach.. will reach up to his lungs and choke him. every night.. he will be suffering.. my mother will be taking care of him when i'm in college.. but recently.. again.. she became weaker and catching cold as frequently as ever..and my father collapsed just yesterday..she told me to brace myself for anything that might happen in the next hour.. or maybe second.. . i'm worried.. i'm worried about my future.. SAM is getting busier than ever, so do my further studies will.. and i'm worried about my girlfriend..there is something going on.. i know.. they don't have to tell me, i am not dumb nor senseless. if i'm the cause of the sleepless nights.. than i am truly sorry, i couldn't think about it.. or mybe i was too worried about the stuff going around so fast that i wanted to drift away from it, but i still love you everyday like the 1st day i did. and i felt confortable whenever i was in your arms only.. i din't realise it untill today..i was stupid.. there is billion of taughts going through my head. why so serious? this is why.. in the end.. no one is going to help my butt up... maybe god will..who knows and who cares? millions of people are going through or more what i am going now..like nick vijici, a man without limbs who became a christian missioary, Alex's lemonade...a child with cancer who fought till the end of her's and raised funds for the cancer patient..and more.. they are inspiring and sets a goal and motivations in my mind... i have to be stronger..

this is my only support now.. and joa

The pros and cons of Marathon...

From out of curiousity, we (me&joa) did a unforgetable, extremely shivering(from the breeze), insane and most of all enjoyable(supposingly) movie marathon... after college.. watched 'Hell Boy 2' followed by 'Wanted'...with some shopping in between. now doesn't it sounds good to you? in fact, we got too excited and excitement made us dumb and numb from tiredness after class...i'm still wondering why malaysia's movie theater have to cool their box office till we can't even concentrate at the movie..we were freezing and lagi bagus, somebody eben challenged without jacket and with mini skirt...anyway at the end... we got seriously exhausted.. but the good thing is that i had a bloody good time. over all it was okei... but just to let you know ..marathon is tough... but if there is any food marathon.. i'm on it.

I'm on it... owh that's the triple chicken smt smt burger in carl's Jr.. it's kinda small from this angle but seriously..it's BIG! it took two of us to finish it in about 40 min..

when I couldn't think straight...she was there

I felt very sick today.. managed to reach college but couldn't think straight through out the day... but never felt worst because someone eased me... honestly.. no jokes.. i'm glad i'm with you

Thank You, i will get well soon. love you Joanna...

celebrity????

once my father told me... 'son when you made it into your college... you will have a life that i could never had.. enjoy and work hard..' ...well i think i finally got what he meant.. let me give you a short glance of...what suppose to be college life...

(Wanted)

yes.. it's enjoyable.. it's reflecting the way of college life should be.. once tried to commit suicide out from academic stress and the next secound... celebrity?... is this the life my dad couldn't achieve in his time? it remains secret..( that's Paris Hilton by the way..)